Charmed If You Can Still Call It That: Renewed
by alexywill22
Summary: I'm tring this again. Yep. The show must go on. More Sisters. More Skanking. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Paige start of this brand new season of an idea I had when I was clearly high! Yay.
1. Season 9, Anyone?

A/N: Eh.. just bare with me.

Charmed If You Can Still Call It That: Renewed.

Episode 1: Season 9, anyone?

(Fade on black)

ROSE: (Off Screen.) Previously on Charmed if you can still call it that.

(Fade in: Lots of scenes from my previous fanfics are played out.)

ROSE: (Off Screen.) Alex did lots of good parodies but then something came into Charmed that ruined his vision and creativity.

(A tacky picture of Alyssa Milano is put on screen.)

ROSE: (Off Screen.) Shannen! He meant the other whore!

(The tacky picture is replaced by a still shot of Kaley Couco looking as retarded as usual, her maggot neck showing up off its layers. And even in a still shot this girl can't look convincing.)

ROSE: So he thought he stopped writing. But the finale and a few season three eps got his writing back. So here we are. Enjoy the show.

(Fade to black.)

SHANNEN: (Off Screen.) Worse. Prelude. Ever.

(Opening Credits. "How Soon Is Now?" plays. Shannen, Holly, Alyssa and Rose round up the main cast. There's a quick flash of Brian and Dorian. Sadly no Julian. But there's Kaley! Oh wait… ew.)

(Fade in: Halliwell living room. We join Piper and Phoebe sitting comfortably in their ridiculously pillow filled couches, in front of the TV. Phoebe is watching with sort of disinterest though since it's not a show about her. Piper looks haft interest, but her mind seems to be elsewhere. Prue enters surveying the scene.)

PRUE: You guys! What the _hell _are you doing?

PIPER: (Deadpans.) Watching TV.

PRUE: I can see that…

PHOEBE: (Clueless as ever.) Then why you asked?

SHANNEN: You do know that even though Charmed was cancelled we still got renewed for Charmed If You Can Still Call It That, right?

(Piper stands up and gives her patented WTF face with several I'm A Martyr overtones.)

PIPER: But we defeated the Ultimate Power!

PRUE: Oh, please. Who actually bought that the little Retard was the Great Evil of All Times?

(Piper and Phoebe look rather ashamed of themselves. As they should be for season 8. And 7 and 5 while we're at it. Leave 6 alone. Chris was there. Hmm. Chris. Anyways.)

PRUE: Now that you're done wasting your time with nothing, I think it's time we get back to basic Charmed.

(Paige walks from the foyer and into the living room with a bright perky, yet slightly twitchy smile. The core P's don't take notice of their Twitchy Lippy Bastard of a haft sister.)

PIPER: (Shaking her head.) No. No way. No how. I was a freaking doormat to you and Phoebe and I refuse to go back just so you can feel more at home since you came back from hell!

PAIGE: Guys! Guess what!

PRUE: (Walking towards Piper.) Well, you know, so much effort you put in to bring me back! If you had tried harder I wouldn't had made that deal with the Devil!

PAIGE: Come on! Guess!

PIPER: You know what? I had it with this guilt! It was five years ago, get over it! I sure as hell did!

PAIGE: Guys, it's really important!

PHOEBE: (Standing up.) I'm going to go have sex with Coop.

(Phoebe exits and Paige pouts sadly at the lack of attention she's getting. Piper and Prue are now circling each other.)

PIPER: You know, I hit the freaking wall too! And did you hear me complaining!

PRUE: It was kinda hard, what with being DEAD and all!

PIPER: Well, maybe if you didn't have such a fucking hero complex you would've used your freaking powers instead of lunging yourself to Shax's way

PAIGE: (Trying to cut in again.) Speaking of Shax!

PRUE: Hey, I save the guy's life! Where were your freaking powers, huh? I didn't see you freezing or blowing him up!

(Leo walks out with Tiny Gay Chris in his hand. The Dead Eyed Psycho pitter pattering behind them with a murder glow in his eyes. The three "men" watch the two Bitches-Er… I mean, Witches have a face off. Piper, then, just goes and tries to blow Prue up. Prue dodges the blow and the shock hits the Clock. It promptly exploded.)

PRUE: There. Now it's like the good ol' days.

PIPER: You bitch! We just got that fixed!

PRUE: Aw, is like I was back in time.

LEO: (Deadpans) More like stuck in rerun hell.

PAIGE: GUYS GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

(Everyone stares at Paige. Then take a moment and stare as Paige bright yellow blouse. Then back at Paige.)

PAIGE: Gah, is that what a witch has to do to get attention around here!

PRUE: you mean dress like a tramp?

PAIGE: Don't start with me, Halliwell.

PIPER: Was there something you wanted to share, Paige?

PAIGE: YES. I wanted to tell you I just saw Shax!

(Cue Dramatic music: Dun dun DUN!)

PIPER: Um, honey, sweetie, pasty faced angel, we killed Shax, remember? You were there, and Leo was there and Prue was oh so very dead and not annoying me.

(Prue gives her the evil Crooked Eye.)

PAIGE: I know that! Jeez, I'm not Billie or something.

PRUE: Don't say that name!

(Too late. The Maggoty Oddly Proportioned Retard in Question waddles in doing her very worse acting yet. Her crying.)

RETARD: Oh my Gossssssssssh! I like killed Chrissssty. Wah, wah, wah.

(Prue rolls her eyes and Piper leaves the room, unable to be in the same space as the girl who took the powers of her beloved little sociopath. She took said sociopath's hand and exiting. Her Dolt of a husband and Tiny Gay son close behind her.)

PRUE: Ignoring the display of bad acting from the cast director's mistake, Paige can you please explain where and when you saw my killer?

PAIGE: He bought the house next door.

PRUE: Wanna run that by me again?

PAIGE: Apparently is the new "interesting" twist to this new season.

(Crickets chirp. They look past the camera.)

ALEX: (Off screen.) What?

SHANNEN: Oh, nothing. This season is going to be "Great and super."

ALEX: (Off Screen.) Would you rather get back to being on Stars magazine for getting bad plastic surgery?

(Shannen runs off to cry but fuck it if I'm stalling filming for her little hissy fit.)

ALEX: (Off Screen.) End the show with a high, McGowan.

(Paige flips her hair and stares with HATE at The Ultimate Retard.)

PAIGE: Let the object of rejection become but a dream as I cause the annoying to be not seen!

(Billie promptly fades away. Hooray!)

PAIGE: I wanted to do that for so fucking long.

VOICE: (Off Screen.) Impressive.

(Suddenly a woman flames in. It's none other than Lori Rom! You know, the first choice for Phoebe! But then got recast and was never heard from ever again? Yeah, that one.)

PAIGE: Who are you?

(Lori smiles wickedly and throws a lighting bolt at Paige, sending her out through the doors.)

LORI: The End.

(She does the Shax neck roll thing for no real reason and then flames out.)

(Fade to black)

End.


	2. Single Witch Female

A/N: Yay. People read this. And yeah, this is crazy and thank you and yerah, Nicole I'm back, don't jinx it.

Charmed If You Can Still Call It That: Renewed.

Episode 2: Single Witch Female.

(Fade in: Hag Quarters or Phoebe's apartment, whatever. Phoebe's room. We pan in two the scene of two thrusting bodies, mercifully and thankfully, under the cover of sheets. Sad to say no shirtless Victor Webster. Curses. After a huge squealing moan, and ew, we see Phoebe poke her head out, Coop following suit. They both have we-just-got-laid-but-goooood looks. A look you never see on Prue. They both then start to look pensive.)

PHOEBE: I can't wait till I get my little girl. How fast do your soldiers work?

COOP: Phoebe… I don't think this is going to work.

PHOEBE: I told you that you have to put the jumper cables on your nipples-

COOP: Not that. You and me.

PHOEBE: (Clueless as ever.) What do you mean?

(Victor Webster out of the sheets! Victor Webster out of the sheets! What? A tank top and boxers? Cooooome oooooooon. Grr. Anyways. He stands up and picks his pants up, putting them stupidly on.)

COOP: I mean that I think we should break up.

PHOEBE: Whaaaaaa?

COOP: I just don't see us having a future together.

PHOEBE: Didn't you watch the rest of the finale? We HAVE a future together.

COOP: I'm sorry. But after a few months with you I noticed you're… well, not really worth it.

(Phoebe looks hurt. Hee. Coop shrugs and hearts out. Sigh. I'll get him naked by the end of this ep. Cut to: Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Prue and Paige sit on the island drinking coffee. Paige is pretty much cut all over her pale white skin. Prue takes her head out Stars magazine long enough to take note of this.)

PRUE: Did you get bad plastic surgery too?

PAIGE: No. Lori Rom went psycho on me… wait. What did you mean by too?

PRUE: Nothing!

(She skitters out of the room. Paige returns mugging as she zips her mug. Then Shax walks in by the back door. The cheer track plays. Paige looks around confused.)

SHAX: Howdy, neighbor.

PAIGE: Mornin', Shax-man.

SHAX: How's Henry?

PAIGE: Who?

SHAX: Your husband?

PAIGE: What? I don't have a… shoot!

(She orbs out. Shax shrugs. The laugh track plays. Cut to: Attic. Piper flips through the Book Of Shadows for something that seems urgent. Wyatt and Chris, the future hot versions, orb in. Piper looks up and rolls her eyes.)

PIPER: Whatever future event you need to stop is, you're going to have to stop it on your own!

CHRIS: (South Park's Cartman style) But mo-o-o-om.

PIPER: Zip it. (She flips through the pages of the book.) I'm busy.

WYATT: Well, maybe we can help.

PIPER: (Looking up, suspicious.) Why _are_ you here?

CHRIS: No, real reason-

WYATT: (Interrupting.) We can't get any good dates.

(Chris looks at his stupidly blabber mouth of a brother.)

PIPER: You have _got_ to be kidding me!

CHRIS: Well, it's hard to meet the right guy in San Francisco in the future.

PIPER: Is SAN FRANCISCO. This is like heaven to you guys!

WYATT: I'm not gay!

PIPER: Oh, sweetie. You're in denial.

WYATT: I'm _not_ gay!

(Leo walks in with Tiny Gay Chris in hand.)

LEO: I knew at least one of my sons wasn't.

CHRIS: Jeez, dad, and you wonder where my self esteem issues with you come from.

LEO: That's not what I meant... I-I… um… (Turns to Piper.) Honey, where's the baby powder?

CHRIS: Great. Like my therapy bill isn't high enough already.

(Leo rolls his eyes as Prue enters practically jumping up and down with the phone on her hand.)

PRUE: Guess who got herself a date tonight!

PIPER: (Muttering.) Guess who wanted to spend some time alone in the attic _without_ her weird family.

LEO: You got a date? (Girly.) Ooh, details!

PRUE: Well, he's a Garbage man-

PIPER: (Shaking her head.) Oh, Prue.

PRUE: No, no, I'm telling you, this one's a keeper. Soon, we'll all be married and happy! Like in the finale of that crappy show that was just stupid after I got killed.

(Piper was about to reply when Phoebe jiggled her way in. Piper rolled her eyes.)

PIPER: (Muttering.) Five minutes of _privacy_. All I ask.

PHOEBE: (Choke sob.) You guys! (Sniffle.) Coop… he left!

PRUE: (Excited.) Really? So that means that you could be the only single one of us now? Great! (Off everyone's look.) I mean… sorry, Pheebs. (Patting her on the back.) There, there.

PHOEBE: (Looking at her future nephews.) You! You guys guaranteed me a husband and kids!

WYATT: Um… well…

CHRIS: We… kinda sort of lied to you.

PHOEBE: You _what_?

LEO: (Sternly.) _Kids_?

WYATT: Well, the Elders didn't sent you Coop. We just made that up so you had enough motivation to call him.

CHRIS: Coop reacted to his lust for you.

PRUE: Ew.

LEO: Right there with ya.

PIPER: I knew the Elders didn't think of Selfish Phoebe was the one that sacrifice the most. (Beat.) Guess I shouldn't have killed Odin then. (Shrugging.) Oh well. Bygones.

PHOEBE: (Stomping to her nephews.) I can't believe you guys did that! We were in the middle of a crisis!

CHRIS: Oh please, it was just Billie and her sister.

PRUE: No! Don't say that name!

(Too late. Billie promptly comes into the room. Guess Paige's spell was temporary. Curses.)

BILLIE: Hey, guyssssss. (Looking at the future boys.) Whoa. Who are the cutiessss!

PIPER: (Disgusted with The Ultimate Retard.) My kids!

BILLIE: Are they sssssingle?

WYATT: Actually-

PIPER: (Panicked.) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You are not dating that! (Points to Billie with disgust.) Phoebe, get rid of her.

PHOEBE: (Rolls her eyes.) Yeah, yeah. Take her back, take her away, remove her now don't let her stay, we call the spirit to help undo, and sent her off to… um… Timbuktu.

(Billie fades away in a display of glowing white orbs.)

PIPER: Phoebe you need to find another word that rhymes with undo already.

PHOEBE: My future is ruined thanks to your kids, the least you could do is not give me a hard time.

PRUE: Well, I have a date to get ready!

(She starts to head off. Piper gets a wicked idea.)

PIPER: Wyatt, Chris, why don't you go with Aunt Prue on her date

(Prue halts on her track and gives Piper her quivering-lip-please-don't-do-this-to-me look.)

PIPER: That way you can learn how to go on a date.

WYATT: Sounds great.

CHRIS: Sure, why not?

PHOEBE: I'll come too.

(Piper gives Prue her wicked smile. Prue tries not to cry. Cut to: A Restaurant. Garbage man and Prue sit on the table. With Prue's sister and future nephews. The future boys are taking notes on futuristic blackberry things. And Phoebe is… well, drunk. Garbage man looks skeptical and Prue has her head buried on her hand, ashamed. Phoebe babbles drunkenly.)

PHOEBE: (Sobbing.) So he tells me I'm not worth it! Can you believe that! (She slaps Garbage guy on the arm. He gives Prue A Look.) I mean, look at me. Look at these!

(She peels of her red bra like tank top thing and flashes the restaurant. Fortunately this is with her back to the camera. Prue's face turns bright red and she hides behind a menu. Wyatt's creepily staring at his Aunt's rack, by the way. Chris flirts with the waiter.)

CHRIS: So when do you get off?

WAITER: You tell me.

(They scamper off to the bathrooms. The Garbage dood starts to make his leave.)

GARBAGE MAN: Listen, Prue, you're a sweet girl and all, but I can't date you if this is the type of people I would have to deal with.

PRUE: But-But-

GARBAGE MAN: I'm sorry. Is not you, it's your family and well, your eye is creepy.

(He takes a leave as Prue dissolves into a puddle of tears. Wyatt reaches a hand to his Aunt's chest.)

WYATT: (Mesmerized.) Are they real?

PHOEBE: Wanna touch 'em?

(NEXT SCENE! NEXT SCENE! Cut to: Manor living room. Aftermath of the date. Phoebe has an icepack on her head to nurse her hangover. Prue sits at her side with a tube of ice-cream she ain't sharing. Paige and Henry are cuddled in one of the love seats together. Hi, Ivan Sergey! Piper walks in with Leo and they cuddle on the other love seat. These people have way too much furniture. Prue and Phoebe look sad at the couples.)

PIPER: Oh cheer up. Just 'cause we can keep a man doesn't mean you won't find Mr. Right one day.

PHOEBE: (Hopeful.) I could do that spell!

PRUE: I really liked this guy.

(Lori Rom flames in the background and calmly walks up to the attic. No one takes notice.)

PIPER: (Shrugs it off.) You win some you lose some.

HENRY: I could set you up with someone if you want, Prue.

PRUE: Thanks… you.

HENRY: (Deadpans.) I'm Henry.

PAIGE: Oh, right! _Henry_. (Everyone stares at Paige. She Covers.) Alright! Henry! Getting Prue dates!

(_Awkward_ silence. Coop hearts in. Naked! No. Not really. Fuck. Maybe next week.)

COOP: Phoebe. I'm sorry. I just realized that with you at least I wouldn't have to work for a living and then I could have lots of orgies on the weekends like the ones you host.

(Moment so you can shudder.)

PHOEBE: Really? I love you! (Jumps in his arms.) Yay! My future is saved!

(They sit and cuddle on the couch next to Prue. The Eldest P looks around the happy couples, heartbroken.)

PRUE: I hate you people.

(She stands up and leaves for the fridge.)

PIPER: Ah, I love peace!

(An explosion comes from upstairs.)

PIPER: Shit.

(Fade to black.)

End.


	3. Prue Calling

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I've been moving and it's a bitch. But so am I. Yay. Leave some love. Meaning review, bastard.

Charmed if you can still call it that: Renewed.

Episode 3: Prue Calling

(Fade in: City Morgue. Phoebe and Darryl walked in with serious faces. Darryl unzips a body lying on the table. It's Dan Gordon's body. Nicole, stop jumping up and down.)

PHOEBE: Dan…

DARRYL: Yeah, the body was found by the docks.

PHOEBE: Well, Darryl, thanks for the call but I don't do corpses anymore.

Darryl: (Trying to repress that.) And well, I just thought you would know anything about this.

(Prue, wearing a lab coat, walks in.)

PRUE: Morning.

PHOEBE: What are you doing here?

PRUE: Well, since apparently I don't get a love interest I decided to get a job.

PHOEBE: At a morgue?

PRUE: Sure. Nothing weird ever happens here.

(Ironic twist alert.)

DAN: (Eyes shoot open and looks at Prue.) Help me!

(Suddenly time starts to reverse itself. And we end up in… Halliwell Manor. Prue's room as she wakes up.)

PRUE: Déjà vu all over again.

(Credits a la Tru Calling. If you want to see how they would look check this link out: http/ And then go to the actual site that's here: http/www.casahalliwell.it/home/homegs.htm It's in Italian but jeez, you can read download. They're all cool. Anyways. Fade in: Halliwell's kitchen. The cordless phone on the counter rings. Piper hastily comes into screen and picks it up.)

PIPER: Yo?

PRUE: (From the phone.) Piper, I'm running around town trying to locate Dan-

PIPER: Oh, Prue, my sloppy seconds. You're so lame.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Oh be quiet! I need to find a way for him not do die.

PIPER: Um… why?

PRUE: (From the phone.) Cause yesterday I was at the morgue and he suddenly came in and was all dead and then he woke up and asked for my help.

PIPER: Yeah, I'm going to go.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Piper!

PIPER: Buh bye

(She hands up and promptly walks out. Cut to: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. She's doodling on some important documents. Her stupid pink phone rings. She picks it up.)

PHOEBE: (Seductively.) Welcome to Halliwell Hot line. I'm Prue and I'm really horny for your touch.

PRUE: (From the phone.) … I'm going to kill you.

PHOEBE: (Not getting it.) Ooh that sounds naughty.

PRUE: (From the phone.) PHOEBE!

PHOEBE: (Wide-eyed.) Prue! Hi… um, what's up?

PRUE: (From the phone.) I need to stop Dan from dying today. Morris was showing you the body yesterday but time rewound itself.

PHOEBE: Um… okay.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Just trigger a vision of the moment to know where he's going to be!

PHOEBE: So you admit my power is useful?

PRUE: (From the phone.) …

PHOEBE: Admit it or I'm not helping you!

PRUE: (From the phone.) You're going to let an innocent die just to make your point?

PHOEBE: Inno-what?

PRUE: (From the phone.) Never mind. (Sigh.) Yeah, your power is useful.

PHOEBE: Aaaaand?

PRUE: (From the phone.) (Forced.) You're the most Beautiful and most Smart and most popular Charmed One in the history of Forever.

PHOEBE: And dontcha forget it.

(She closes her eyes and does her orgasm thing she does whenever she gets a premonition. The first scene from the teaser plays in black and white in her head. She comes (EW!) out of it and resumes the phone call.)

PHOEBE: Token Black guy said he was found at the docks.

PRUE: (From the phone.) He's _Darry_l.

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, I have work to do.

(She hung up and resumed her doodling. Cut to: Magic School. Paige is fighting a group of demons on her own. One of them lunges an energy ball at her. She TK-orbs it back. He explodes. The remaining two go at her at the same time. She orbs out. She orbs back behind them as they crash on a table. She goes to throw a potion when… her cell rings.)

PAIGE: Oh… excuse me.

(She rolls her eyes as she takes the call. The demons stomp their foot in annoyance instead of just attacking her or going or anything)

PAIGE: This better important!

PRUE: (From the phone.) Paige, hi.

PAIGE: How much do you want?

PRUE: (From the phone.) How dare you think I would only call you because I need money!

PAIGE: Well, if it's not that, then you want me to be an accomplice.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Well…

PAIGE: Ugh. Just tell me what I have to do.

PRUE: (From the phone.) I went to the docks to save Dan's life and-

PAIGE: Who's life?

PRUE: (From the phone.) Dan! Piper's ex!

PAIGE: The banker?

PRUE: (From the phone.) What? No! Paige, it doesn't matter who he was to Piper!

PAIGE: Okay, okay, hold your panties.

PRUE: (From the phone.) I don't wear panties.

PAIGE: I so did not want to know that!

PRUE: (From the phone.) Matthews, focus! You need to help me get rid of a dead body!

PAIGE: What? What did you do?

PRUE: (From the phone.) I wanted to save Dan's live and so I got to the docks and there's Dan and suddenly he fell in the water. And you know how I fear swimming-

PAIGE: Wuss.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Shut up! So I threw a floating device at him… or I thought it was a floating device.

PAIGE: What was it?

PRUE: (From the phone.) An anvil.

PAIGE: You know, you're going to have to accept that little squint thing you do is not just for your powers! You need glasses!

PRUE: (From the phone.) NEVER! Just help me!

PAIGE: Use my object of objection spell.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Ooh, yeah!

(Paige hangs up and gives an apologetic twitchy smile to the demons as she throws the potion vials and vanquishes their sorry asses before they can earn their SAG cards. Cut to: Halliwell Manor. Living room. Leo is sitting on the couch watching his stories as he knits. Cause you know Piper wears the pants here. Tiny Gay Chris is cutely trying to walk as his Dead Eyed Sociopath of a brother is watching with murderous intent. Or maybe bored. He orbs an atheme in his hand and TK-twirls it menacingly. Big Gay Chris walks down the stair followed by Boring Big Wyatt. They both take in the scene.)

WYATT: Remember when I tried to kill you?

CHRIS: Yeah… Dad!

(Leo jumps up with a girly yelp and turns to his two future boys.)

LEO: Boys! Don't jump on me like that!

CHRIS: Um…Wyatt is trying to kill me.

LEO: (To Big Wyatt.) Bad Wyatt. That's a no-no.

CHRIS: (Deadpans.) Little Wyatt and Chris, dad.

(Leo gives him a confused look but then catches up and goes take Tiny Gay Chris out of harm's way. Before Chris can scold him for his terrible parenting that probably is responsible for his daily therapy sessions the phone rings on the corner. Wyatt somewhat detective picks it up.)

WYATT: Halliwell residence.

PRUE: (From the phone.) Like, hi! Um… hey, you're a haft whitelighter right?

WYATT: Aunt Prue?

PRUE: (From the phone.) Of course is me! Jeez, um, hey, listen you wouldn't happen to spare some of that memory dust thing you use to make people like forget you were getting freaky with the rotting corpse of your ex next door neighbor who totally slept with your sister first, but you thought, well, he's dead and Paige gave me a spell to get rid of him so you might as well take advantage of him while you're here since you haven't really got laid for like 6 years and counting and your really horny and well, aside from the cold stiffness and the greasy hair he still looks cute in a certain light so you just go for it but then the fishers pull up and then suddenly you're being taking in for questioning by the police and Darryl totally doesn't help out and so you end up lock with a Prostitute name Toot, who says she's a friend of my sister cause she works in the corner in front of hers.

WYATT: Oh yeah. That happens.

(What kind of a future do these people live in? Wyatt hangs up.)

WYATT: I need to help Aunt Prue. I'll be back.

(He orbs out. Chris and Leo exchanged awkward looks.)

LEO: So… wanna play catch… um, son?

CHRIS: I'll be at my boyfriends'.

(He orbs out. Leo shrugs. Cut to: City Morgue. Phoebe and Darryl walked in with serious faces. Darryl unzips a body lying on the table. It's Dan Gordon's body. Oh, catch us in the rewind. Sorry.)

PHOEBE: Dan…

DARRYL: Yeah, the body was found by the docks.

PHOEBE: Well, Darryl, thanks for the call but I don't do corpses anymore.

Darryl: (Trying to repress that.) And well, I just thought you would know anything about this.

PHOEBE: Oh wait! I like totally saw this before.

DARRYL: Déjà vu all over again

PHOEBE: Yeah, that joke was made before.

ALEX: (Off Screen.) And again fell flat. Curses.

DARRYL: Well, yeah, anyways, we arrested Prue for murder. Just wanted to give you the heads up.

PHOEBE: Cool. Later.

(She walks out not really giving a damn. Cut to: Underworld. Okay, fine, some papier-mâché cave thingy inside a studio. BITE ME. Lori Rom addresses her henchmen demons. Openly Evil Chrisssssy. Tempus. The Seer (Not Cordelia, the first one.). Jenny Gordon. Jeremy. Madonna. And The Source (Original one.). Lori walked in the middle.)

LORI: This is it. We start to conquer the world with this!

(She produces the Book Of Shadows.)

ALL: (Mr. Burns Style.) Excellent.

(Fade to black.)

End.

(Fade in: Alyssa and Shannen stand facing the camera.)

Alyssa: Today we dealt with a very serious problem

Shannen: If you or a love one get caught having sex with a corpse, please let someone know.

Alyssa: We can help you cover up your trail.

Shannen: So you can keep sticking it to the stiff dudes.

Both: Because we like it better when they just lay there.

(Fade to black.)


	4. All Hell Breaks Lose All Over Again

A/N: Okay, I know. I've been like neglecting this. But school and RP and writing other things and blah. I promise to pick of my slack as long as I still get reviewed. Also we start with the season arc today! Yay.

Charmed if you can still call it that: Renewed.

Episode 4: All Hell Breaks Lose All Over Again.

(Fade in: Halliwell Manor kitchen. Prue is trying to TK a spoon, which only jitters slightly but doesn't move. Phoebe walks in putting her ugly purse on the counter.)

Phoebe: So Elise thinks I shouldn't give any more advice till the lawsuit is settled. Who knew people took the phrase jump off a bridge so seriously? (She finally takes note of what Prue is doing.) Did you lose your power or something?

Prue: Can't lose what you never had.

(She astrals out. Phoebe rolls her eyes.)

Phoebe: Marco!

Prue: (From the attic.) Polo!

(Phoebe takes to leave. Cut to the attic, where Prue is fiddling with the BOS. Phoebe walks in, looking annoyed.)

Phoebe: Did we just relive old show lines?

Prue: (Reading the page intently.) Yeah, I think so. Do we have any ginger root?

Phoebe: What are you up to, Missy!

Prue: I'm going to become the super witch again. I just realized that being dead kinda made me fall behind you guys, so I'm catching up to be super powerful and shit.

Phoebe: Weren't you on trial this week?

Prue: No, Wyatt finally found the memory dust and it all just went away.

Phoebe: Oh, can I borrow some?

Prue: It doesn't make that go away, whore.

Phoebe: (Disappointed.) Oh. (Perks up.) So anyway, since I have some off time me and Coop have decided to buy stuff for the nursery.

Prue: (Looking up.) You're pregnant?

Phoebe: (Giddily.) Yes! I can't believe I'm finally getting my little P's! Just like in the finale where we were all happy!

Prue: (Bitterly.) Except me who was all dead and forgotten.

Phoebe: (Oblivious.) Yeah. So like, do you want to come and help us pick stuff out?

Prue: Um... fighting the forces of darkness or an afternoon with dumb and dumber? I'll pass. Thank you very much.

Phoebe: (Confused.) Um, hi. Hello. Yes, I'm the star of the show, you can't just ignore me.

(Prue sighs exasperated and takes the BOS to leave.)

Prue: Watch me!

(As she leaves the podium the Book dissolves into a cloud of orbs. Phoebe and Prue go wide eyed.)

Prue: (Looking at her hands, panicked) What-what-what just happened?

Phoebe: (pointing a finger.) You killed the Book!

(Fade to: Credits. Fade in: Halliwell living room. Tiny Gay Chris plays in his playpen. Paige walks in with the cordless on her ear.)

Paige: (To the phone.) Well, he's not here Piper and I have to meet a charge in like-(she checks her watch.)-Two hours ago!

(Prue and Phoebe rush down the stairs.)

Phoebe: Prue totally destroyed the Book!

Paige: (Mugs.) What?

Prue: I did not destroy the Book! I was just going to take it out of the attic and it suddenly vanished!

Paige: How did it vanish!

Prue: Will you guys stop yelling! I need to try and focus on what happened.

Phoebe: You know, that Book will one day be my daughters. (Touches her belly.) How inconsiderate of you, Prue.

(Prue gets an angry look and goes stalked towards Phoebe. Suddenly Big Boring Wyatt orbs in between them.)

Wyatt: We got us a major problem.

Prue: You know about the Book?

Wyatt: (Phoebe look.) No…what about the book?

Phoebe: Prue killed it!

Prue: I'm so whacking you in the head.

(Paige realizes she's still on the phone.)

Paige: (To the phone.) Piper, I think you'll want to come here. Now.

(Wyatt waves his hand to the side and Piper orbs in.)

Piper: (Still on her cell phone with Paige.) Why in the fuck would I want to go there? (Realizes she's already there.) Oh. (Perks up.) Hey. (Looks at her son, through gritted teeth.) Honey, what did I say about orbing mommy?

Wyatt: It's an emergency, mom.

Piper: (Annoyed.) What now?

Phoebe: Prue killed the Book!

Prue: I did not! Why are you always getting me in trouble?

Phoebe: Cause… Prue _killed_ the Book!

Prue: Ugh!

(Prue TK's Phoebe against the wall. But her power is deflected by a protective shield that pops out of her belly.)

Piper: Oh, you're pregnant!

Paige: (Sighs.) And isn't that a recycled plot device,_ Alex_?

Alex: (Off screen.) I still want to hit Phoebe at random without having to worry about the little HAGalita in her tummy.

Piper: I thought protective shields were only a whitelighter thing.

Phoebe: Shh. Don't tell Coop! I don't want to divorce him!

Prue: (Gapped mouth.) You slept with someone… wait, that's not a surprised.

Paige: (Snapping finger.) People, Book!

Wyatt: Wait, I was going to tell you! The Elders found out that there's a woman organizing the Underworld.

(Everyone rolls there eyes.)

Piper: Not the freaking Source plot again? Don't we get new things now?

Phoebe: Well, I got my fetus this season so woo.

Prue: As long as Shax doesn't kill me, I'm good.

(Shax walks in. The clap track plays. Everyone looks for the strange clapping noise's location.)

Shax: Howdy!

All: Hey, Shax-man.

Paige: Can we help you, bud?

Shax: Nothing... I just came to be. THE END!

(He does his retarded neck twirl thing and shoves a wind wave at the P's. Piper ducks for cover. Paige and Wyatt orb out. Phoebe's shield activates and Prue gets hit by the wave and goes through the wooden pillar and falls rather brutally on the ground. She starts to bleed from her lip and back and she goes limp and dies. Muahahaha.)

Prue: (Coughing blood.) I'm still alive!

Alex: (Off-screen.) Fine. Whatever.

(Wyatt and Paige orb back in and heal Prue with the tingly touch thing. Piper blows Shax up and turns to her kooky family.)

Piper: Well, before we get attack by more recycled storylines I suggest we just orb our asses to the underworld and demand to know what's going it.

Prue: But what about the Book?

Phoebe: That _you _killed.

(Prue's smacks Phoebe's head. Hee.)

Piper: (Rolling her eyes.) I don't give a damn. Wyatt. Underworld. (She takes his arm.) Now.

(They orb out. Cut to: P3. Leo and Coop are having a couple of beers… okay, Apple-tini's, as they chat like to manly man.)

Leo: So I say, that she look like a tramp and then went like this. (Snaps fingers.) And she totally shut her mouth.

Coop: Oh, you go girl.

(Suddenly Openly Evil Chrissssty flames in with a bunch of hench-demon type dudes. The two men flinch as the P3 employees too conveniently find something else to do out of the room at once.)

Chrissssty: We came for the ring.

Coop: You're going to have to go through… Leo's body!

Leo: Yeah. (Picks up on the uptake.) Wait! Wha-

(Chrisssty thinks reeeeeeeeeeeeally hard and a fireball thing appears in front of her and she whirls it against our heroes. Leo tries to orb out but forgot he can't and when the fire hits him he goes down. Not like that! Cole's not in the show anymore. Coop goes to heart out at the commotion but two queerer than me demons in leather grab a whole of his body and rip off his shirt in the process, knocking over some oil that was left in the counter and accidentally rubbing it on his chest as they manhandle him. What? My fantasies are at least better than Brad Kern's. And don't involve Phoebe. Anyway. Chrisssty walks over and pulls the ring out.)

Chrisssty: Excellent. Get rib of the Cupid.

(The homoerotic scene flames out. Chrisssty turns to the poor burnt up Dolt.)

Leo: What arte you going to do with the ring?

Chrisssty: Restore what was meant to happen all along.

(Leo whimpers and she gives him and Openly Evil Smile. Cut to: Underworld. Lori Rom set her own podium for the real BOS and flips through its pages landing on one the first one.)

Lori: (Chanting.) Here now the power of the witches. The secrets we hid in the night. The oldest of Gods arte invoke here. The secret of magic is sought. In this night and in this hour, I call upon the ancient power. Bring the power to us sisters three. We want the power. Give us the power.

(Cut to a cave in the Underworld of papier-mâché. Wyatt and Piper suddenly stopped. Piper glows.)

Piper: (Confused.) What was...

(White orbs balls come out of her body and flew away. The two stare for a moment before Wyatt disappears. Piper looks frantic.)

Piper: Okay. I need a drink.

(Cut to casa Halliwell. Living room. Paige and Phoebe also glow for a second and then white orbs balls come out of them. Prue looks at the lights.)

Prue: Aren't those your powers?

(Paige white orbs go into Prue and whirl around inside her before pulling away seemingly with more balls than before.)

Prue: (Pissed.) You're powers took my powers, Matthews!

Paige: Must be cause we share the same power.

(The white orbs balls glow away. The three sisters stay looking bewildered. Except for Phoebe. She looks as if they weren't in a life or death situation. Cause she is stupid. Cut to Lori. The orb balls all glow to her. One batch lands on her and the other two split and land on two people covered by the shadows behind her. Lori smiles and slowly levitates.)

Lori: Excellent.

(She levitates around to the two people that come out of the shadows. The first is Aviva the Paige-wannabe from first season episode: The Fourth Sister. She smiles and TK's a vase with her hand.)

Aviva: I say it is.

(The last person steps out. Is Jenny Gordon. She blows the vase up.)

Jenny: Now we can get our revenge.

Lori: As the new Charmed ones.

(Fade to black.)

The end.


End file.
